“What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man’s Mind Really Works,” is the fifth book I have reviewed by Michael Gurian and, in addition to clearly topping his other excellent to outstanding books, is quite simply one of the most unique and important men’s movement books I have ever read.
The critical contribution of “What Could He Be Thinking?” is, I believe, its success at contextualizing and explaining to all of us (for men need this information at least as much as women do) precisely the specific types of behavior and brain differences about which women have been complaining for decades. Gurian shows guys why our brains work the way they do, and why we can feel happy about that fact. And simultaneously, the author shows exactly the same thing to females. Among other things, this work may be one of the most successful books at facilitating gender reconciliation and gender understanding.
There is not a ton of absolutely new information in this book, but it has been presented and crystallized so as to reveal to all of us the central differences in male and female brains, and the highly functional reasons why men are different. Our brains excel in complex spatial skills involving measurement, direction, and manipulation of physical objects, and because of our smaller connection between the two hemispheres, we generally have a harder time transforming experience into language. Our lower levels of oxytocin mean that a given level of emotional bonding may require more effort on our part. We focus on action over talk. Women’s brains are constantly working, whereas the male brain “zones out” more. On pages 82-84, the author summarizes no fewer than ten distinct brain structures with marked differences between male and female.
Michael Gurian, never notable for his modesty, manages to keep his tendency to crow about his own real and imagined successes to an absolute minimum. One can almost palpably feel his commitment to this book, his concern with conveying his message convincingly and providing ample documentation. And what’s more, at several points during the work, Gurian throws in absolutely delightful and fully appropriate stories from his own marriage that simultaneously help personalize the book, illustrate an idea and advance the work forward. We learn that drifting apart in marriage can start with an unhealthy level of closeness. The neural strategy of romance that induces us to leap in matrimony will lead us astray once we are in a marriage. Later, Gurian positively tops himself by revealing how he and his wife—initially sure their marriage was better than those of their friends—finally saw their own Achilles’ heels. Luckily, they were able to learn in time to break down their own illusions and made the decision to like what they saw in each other and to commit small daily acts of love.
Gurian’s theory of “intimate separateness” is premised on the brain’s need for a “rhythmic pattern of attachment and detachment.” Men need separateness more than we have realized. Men’s lifelong search for self-worth differs in important ways from that of females. This drive for self-worth represents both the best and the worst of manhood. A man desperately needs to learn who he is; if he fails, he will devalue himself and “despair” in one of several ways. Gurian uses the word “despair” much more broadly than is common, provocatively classifying all of the following as forms of “despair”: becoming a workaholic; seeking power over women; stretching ethical standards beyond the breaking point and lacking compassion when others are harmed; physically or socially attempting to destroy others who appear to hold identity and authority. Paradoxically, the more developed a man’s independent identity is, the greater his ability to meaningfully commit to a woman.
So many things I had been aware of my whole life were crystallized by this book. Why is it that, especially when playing team sports, I experience men apparently cutting each other down, and yet I (often) sense no hostility and even enjoy being “berated” in such a way? Part of the explanation lies in the testosterone-driven male “performance imperative” which propels males to test others’ and their own limits, to act independently or in clear hierarchies toward goals, even when that may involve being hurt. Thus it is also that men may nurture another person’s self-esteem by “challenging that person to create a neural bypass around a traumatic event and return to the preset goal.”
Gurian intrigues with his thinking about boundaries. He states the importance of keeping the man’s testing ground out of the home. Men need to test their worth, and family and love relationships do not provide fertile ground for such challenges. At the same time, he similarly encourages females to satisfy some of their gender-specific goals (which may include emotional intimacy) outside of their immediate family. Gurian provocatively observes that “if males were as… empathic as females, our civilization would not exist today in its present form.”
Gurian is to be complemented for transcending the almost automatic female-good male-at-best-OK approach of almost all self-help books and showing us a number of ways in which the male mode of feeling is good for love. Women like to express feelings while men like to release their own feelings and problem-solve those of others. Women trust feelings more than men. The author provides a list of practical strategies for women to assist men with their slower rates of emotional processing (ask him to think about something before he goes to work to give him time to mull it over; express clear and reasonable emotional expectations to the man).
Another thing men don’t have to feel bad about any more is the link in our sexual biology between sex and aggression, largely due to three brain chemicals: testosterone, vasopressin, and dopamine. The female brain is better wired for long-term romantic activity, and men are more wired for sex; if we are smart, we will adjust our expectations in accordance with these biological facts.
Perhaps most valuably of all, Gurian suggests a few core items for women to look for in a man, cautioning to be reasonable in evaluating these issues: integrity, ability to self-stabilize chaotic emotion, joy and vigor in his life, comfort with being a man, does he possess both kindness and firmness, is he able to see others’ talents and vulnerabilities, can be return to self-security even when feeling envy and jealousy? Gurian cautions: make sure the primary values are in synch and let the secondary ones go!
As if all this weren’t already more than enough, Gurian sketches the reasons for a whole passel of common truths about men (all but one applies to me, non-conformist though I consider myself): why he can’t see that the house is a mess; why he can’t load the dishwasher the right way; why he doesn’t always put his laundry away; why he has a thing about cars; why he yearns for control of the TV remote; why he loves to tinker with gadgets (when a man puts together a complicated electronic system, he feels like a magician). Gurian throws in a useful chapter about biological differences between fathering (tends to follow respect-nurturance model) and mothering (esteem model). Parental roles can complement each other; sometimes kids DO need to learn to repress their feelings and get something done. Gurian suggests that “fathers unconsciously assess what the mother is already giving the child and then carve their own way with the child that is true to their own basic nature.” The male brain and hormones are posed to constantly see life as a challenge between extremes. (Ah, this is why my whole life I have been so stimulated by competition in chess tournaments.)
Gurian goes a little astray in his theory of the twelve seasons of marriage, which is too specific to be widely applicable. But his list of transactional terms for men to pledge to follow in their marriage is sheer brilliance. We are transactional people; if understood properly, we will fall all over ourselves to meet our wives’ reasonable expectations. A healthy relationship dances between intimacy and independent. Gurian shows us how to dance and dances with us. In addition to getting your “feet” moving, this book will bring enlightenment to your brain and maybe even tears of relief to your eyes. It’s an ideal holiday gift for men and women.
J Steven Svoboda
