BreakUp Means BreakUp!

December 19, 2005

People make two major blunders in their romances—blunders that resemble a pair of matching bookends. Blunder #1 is hooking up with the wrong partner. Blunder #2 is reconciling after the inevitable breakup. I say inevitable breakup because a bad pairing of lovers is doomed to failure, by definition. These blunders are inextricably linked: the first almost always leads to the second. I discuss this phenomenon in “The Octopus Tango” chapter of my book, The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women, and in several of my other articles.

It amazes me how many times a guy announces that he has broken up with his girlfriend, only to announce two weeks hence that he and his woman are getting back together. Then, these two wounded lovebirds alternately break up, make up, separate again, reunite once more, and so on, and so on—ad nauseam—until they no longer can stand the sight of each other. This dysfunctional dance is the essence of my “octopus tango.”

Why do we torture ourselves like this? Why are so many of us needlessly suffering with avoidable misery and pain? It’s simple: people are bonding animals. Once they get together, it is tough for them to pull apart. And, that is why becoming involved with the wrong person is your first blunder. Also, estranged lovers, despite their mutual anger and justifications for splitting, retain positive emotional vestiges of their former relationship. Unfortunately, they mistake these natural longings for love. Huge mistake.

People believe that, for a breakup to be right, it should be easy and result in zero feelings, total numbness, and absolute hatred. Otherwise, the breakup was a mistake, right? Wrong! If one or both parties decide rationally that a relationship just doesn’t work, and then end that relationship, why, two weeks later, could that relationship suddenly succeed? It can’t. It’s over. But, people try to defy that reality all the time.

Yes, it is natural to be in pain after separation. Yes, both parties have to heal. But, these lovers were in pain before they separated—that’s why they separated.

When two people break up, they cleave the foundation of their trust and intimacy. They proclaim their mutual desires to end something unworkable and their mutual desires to move on. Things cannot ever be the same again. But, because Hollywood makes so many dopey movies showing inane reconciliations (think Hitch), people romanticize that they, too, can achieve the impossible.

How can a painful relationship all of a sudden become good? It can’t. Mismatched people are akin to square pegs in round holes; that’s why they can’t and won’t fit each other. I’ve never seen a green zebra, the Earth rotate in the opposite direction, or a morning sunset. And, I’ve never seen happy misfits.

If you resign from an employer whose environment is caustic and/or your advancement is limited, would you return, two weeks later, to that same environment? Not unless you are either desperate for income or a masochist. Your reasons for leaving that company will not miraculously disappear.

By the same token, your reasons for ending a romance will not automatically disappear—just because you are grieving and missing that warm, familiar body at night. So, when you consider rejoining the lover from whom you’ve just resigned, be honest enough with yourself to determine whether you’re desperate or a masochist. If you are either, I advise you to seek counseling.

In conclusion, I advise that, when you make a critical decision, demonstrate the courage of your convictions: follow through and don’t look back—regardless of the pain. Breakup means breakup!

Marc H. Rudov

Copyright © 2005 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.

Marc H. Rudov is an investment banker and business consultant residing in Silicon Valley, California. He is the author of the book The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth TM (ISBN 0974501719) and ten other articles:

Rudov’s book, articles, and dating service are available at www.NoNonsenseDating.com