How Every Man Can Land His Dream Woman
June 1, 2004
It takes only a few such disempowering entanglements with women, and, to avoid further pain, many men will play the field and resist commitment for a long time. By the way, women behave similarly. Is it possible, then, for a man to change this pattern to land his dream woman? Absolutely. But, he must be able to define his dream woman and to know how and where to look for her…and what to do once he finds her.
Every one of us grew up spending summers at some local amusement park. I hail from Pittsburgh and logged many an hour at Kennywood Park, a National Historic Landmark nestled along the Monongahela River in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania. Now, still a kid at heart, I make my annual pilgrimage to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, California’s oldest amusement park and a mere 30-minute, mountainous trek from where I live.
What’s the draw for me in Santa Cruz? Mainly, it is riding the 1924-vintage Giant Dipper roller coaster, another National Historic Landmark, while being wedged into the seat with a pretty, screaming woman (what else does life offer a man, right?). Or, maybe I just have a hankering for National Historic Landmarks. Anyway, this is pure déjà vu from my adolescence. The question is, Does the experience of the roller coaster change from year to year? No, not really. It is entirely predictable. Depending on her personality, my consort can positively or negatively influence my gravitational and centrifugal sensations, but, ultimately, it is the same ride as before. So, why do I return to this foreseen thrill? For that matter, why do I keep watching Seinfeld reruns? I guess an anthropologist would opine that, like all animals, I as a human animal feel some degree of comfort with repetitive, predictable, familiar occurrences—both good and bad.
It is not a stretch, then, to use the amusement-park ride - be it the roller coaster, merry-go-round, bumper car, or flume - as a metaphor for a romantic encounter. Why not? Each ride - and each woman - has a specific set of easily discernable characteristics. Armed with information and powers of observation, we should be savvy enough to anticipate, within reason, the consequence of any future experience. Accordingly, if a guy is on a date with a “merry-go-round” woman, he should not at all be surprised at the outcome when his “ride” with her stops at the evening’s end.
Now, had he been highly perceptive, after a few rotations of the ornate carousel, this man would have recognized the music of the calliope and the pattern of the reciprocating horses. The problem with the typical guy, however, is that he either ignores or doesn’t heed these details. Instead, with resignation, he takes many repeat rides—either with the same or similar incompatible girls—believing that the romantic process controls him, rather than the converse. Then, he cries in the beer of any friend who will listen.
Ironically, stepping outside this metaphor into the real amusement park, the same man would never board a ride he doesn’t like. For example, I won’t take any ride where I have to hang upside down. The choice is clear and apparent. In the metaphor, however, so many guys will knowingly take rides (date women) that make them sick. Why? They think they have no choices.
In my book, The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet EarthTM, and in my previous articles, I counsel men that the days of accepting and following traditional dating protocols are over. Women are now our equals and no longer entitled to receive deferential treatment from us or to make pedestal-based, inequitable demands on us. Any man, therefore, who, in this modern era, engages in old-fashioned nonsense—either giving it or allowing it—with women is: 1) doing so by choice; 2) committing himself to endless, predictable frustration; and 3) killing his chances to land his dream woman.
Many people want to cling to traditional dating protocols, but look at the abysmal failure of this ritual. Recently, I was a guest on a call-in radio talkshow for divorced women. The female hosts, all of them successful in business, admitted that they still want the double standard of equal rights and deferential treatment. What? This is crazy! We cannot be blind to statistics—something isn’t working. There is a fundamental reason that one of every two marriages ends in divorce: people are lousy at choosing and living with their mates. In my book, I have a chapter called The Octopus Tango. It describes the phenomenon of incompatible men and women getting stuck together, unable to pull apart. Everyone I know can relate to this. Why does it happen? Men and women equally share the blame for this awkward dance.
There are five reasons a man fails to find and keep his dream woman
Lack of self-awareness. Let’s face it: most men really don’t know themselves well at the emotional level, or they try to ignore their feelings. This has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with socialization: men have been taught to minimize their emotional sides, period. That being the case, how can they define and articulate the desired emotional attributes of their dream women? They can’t, settling for many short-term relationships, unhappy long-term ones, or none at all. At the gym, I have ample opportunity to hear men describing their relationships with women. It’s amazing the divorce rate isn’t 100%! To be self-aware, what you think, feel, and do must be in harmony.
No definition of dream woman. Obviously, if you don’t know yourself, you cannot describe, or appeal to, a “dream” woman. What is a dream woman? Whatever you think she is—if you think about her at all. Let’s be clear, though: If your idea of a dream woman is merely a malleable, nice piece of ass, you’re on the wrong track. That is a weekend, not a dream woman. A dream woman is a soulmate who satisfies your core needs for today and the long term. Have you defined your core needs? Your peripheral needs? Can you identify the border between your core and peripheral needs? If not, or if you’re too busy having fun with five girlfriends to care, you won’t find or attract your dream woman. You must work very hard to define and articulate what kind of woman will make you happy for the long term.
Traditional thinking. Many men are raised to think of women as second-class citizens to be chased, captured, placed on pedestals, rescued, provided for, and protected. Tradition stresses that women are not supposed to be executives or figures of authority, think for themselves, buy dinner for men, or solve problems by themselves. Unfortunately, just as many women grow up believing this nonsense. When one or both members of a couple have such “traditional” leanings, in a time when women are doctors, lawyers, CEOs, generals, mayors, and governors, their anachronistic relationship will generate an imbalance and even breed resentment between them.
Poor fishing skills. (I know I was using the amusement-park metaphor, but please permit me to sneak in a fishing metaphor.) If you are going to troll for a particular kind of fish, you must know which body of water these fish inhabit and which pole, line, and bait to use. You also must know whether you need a boat or will cast your line from shore…or the middle of a stream. Nobody on this planet would dispute that. Going randomly to a lake at 4AM without knowing why you are there makes zero sense. Yet, that’s how most people look for mates. It seems to me that, if you want to be with a tennis player, you don’t hang out at a bar.
Faulty sensory system. When a man meets a woman for the first time, he is usually so preoccupied with getting into her pants that he doesn’t challenge her, observe her, listen to her, or perceive the subtleties and nuances in her speech and body language. In other words, he is not using his sensory system, which is akin to an intelligent dashboard. What a pity. She is conveying so much information necessary for him to ascertain his compatibility with her. So, with a paucity of information about her, he gets involved, becomes dissatisfied and bored, struggles to get along, and then ends the relationship or becomes unfaithful. After licking his wounds, because he has not learned anything from his previous experience, he finds yet another incompatible woman and repeats the whole dysfunctional process. By using his powerful sensory system, however, he can find his dream woman by knowing when he is in close proximity to her...in fact, reaches her!
In conclusion, I want to emphasize the brevity of life. If you follow the steps above, the journey in your life can be so much better if you travel with your dream woman. She does exist. I found mine with the same process.
Don’t operate on autopilot, and don’t accept the dating protocols and socializations of the 1950s. Make your search for your dream woman a conscious one by knowing yourself and what you want in a partner. Don’t accept just anyone who comes along. Know what you’ll accept and what you won’t. Give as much as you demand, and find a woman who behaves likewise. It is 2004: there are no longer any legitimate gender-based obligations or entitlements. The “weaker sex” concept is dead, and your woman has the same rights that you enjoy. If you cannot deal with the new-era woman, you’d better get over it; the world has changed.
Learn how to fish, where to fish, and when to fish. Use your imagination, and use your sensory system to verify that what you’re doing is working. Remember: there are many women in this world; there is no excuse for entering a relationship because it’s convenient—sometimes, your soulmate exists where you least expect to find her. Finally, the next time you’re at the amusement park, board only the rides you like and have a great time. It’s your choice.
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Copyright © 2004 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.
