Scotland's Sunday Herald has no idea what it is talking about.
In an article called "Dubya's Disorderly Daughters" the Herald says the White House is attempting to reinvent the Bush girls as "the perfect embodiment of wholesome American values," but that this is wishful thinking. The article also suggests the Bush girls will hurt Bush in November.
Ah, put a sock in it.
Look, my Scottish friends, it is true the Bush people are trying to shape the image of the girls as part of the campaign -- that is why the girls were featured in Vogue in fancy dresses. It's true an effort is underway to portray the girls as responsible and concerned young ladies. But a perfect embodiment of wholesome American values?
You've been drinking too much Johnny Walker Black -- or not enough. You clearly don't understand America, Bush or the Bush girls, so let me be kind enough to explain.
Women are completely free in America. They're free to say and do and live as they please. They can become presidents of companies, or live on a beach, or give up high-powered careers to stay home with their kids
We believe in individuals in America. There are few things we celebrate more than individual expression. And that, my Scottish pals, is what the Bush girls are an embodiment of.
They're sassy and feisty and funny. They're playful and mischievous. They don't take themselves very seriously. To be sure, the president surely wishes they took themselves more seriously.
He recalls well how they got busted for underage drinking. There they were, the daughters of the leader of the free world, passing off fake ID's to score a couple of Margarita's while the Secret Service agents looked on.
They got caught and it made the papers. Then they got caught again. And there were other reports of the girls slipping away from the agents to hit the town or go to parties or -- I'm not making this up -- attend a World Wrestling Federation event in New York City.
This is because our mischievous, unserious first daughters were following a grand American tradition: they were paying back their old man for the endless grief he put his parents through.
But the girls are out of college now and making an effort to support their father's campaign. They look like perfect ladies in the Vogue photos. But they won't be invited to any debutante balls anytime soon.
Last week, photographers got a photo of Jenna Bush, the blond-haired state-school grad, sticking her tongue out at reporters from the back seat of a limo. I have to admit that Jenna is my favorite. I sense she'd be the more likely of the two to show up at a high profile White House event still unable to find one of her shoes.
And then there is the Bush girl's clothing. Whereas their mother dresses tastefully in conservative clothing, the girls strut about in giant heels, retro 1970's pants and clingy blouses that are just a notch away from "yowsa." They dress like extras in Starsky and Hutch -- like the lead dancers in Soul Train. And I love it. I love it because they wear what they like to wear, to heck with being a perfect embodiment of wholesome American values.
But here's what I like most about their feistiness: it's giving old Bin Laden the fits. The women in his world do what they're told. They are covered in more cloth than a dining room table. And here are the words his culture uses to describe spirited, feisty women who refuse to take direction from any man: "recently deceased."
So I admit it. I'm a sucker for the Bush girls. My heart flutters every time their newest photo hits the stands. They're surely not perfect and could be more serious in helping their dad get reelected. They're working at it. But they're also an embodiment of the feisty, playful spirit that made this country great in the first place.
So, my Scottish pals, you not only got the Bush girls completely wrong, but you blew it. Next time their parents are away, they just might throw a rocking White House bash. And you've been cut from the party list.