If Osama Were to Speak to the Graduates

May 28, 2004

Renegades, nonbelievers and infidels,

It is a great honor for you that I speak at your graduation ceremony today. I am here to tell you that you are wrong, whereas I, Osama, am receiving precise instructions from God, who has told me to kill you.

If Osama has told you once, he's told you a thousand times: stop supporting the Jews. We hate the Jews. We hate the Christians, too. In fact, we hate the Buddhists, Hindus, Taoists and… Osama has forgot his full list of religions he hates, but you get the point.

And we want you out of our sacred lands. Leave! Bugger off! Hit the road, Jack! As soon as you leave, we will kill all the Jews. Then we will destroy all the corrupt governments that you prop up. Then radical Muslim governments will rule all of the Middle East, and we can really get cookin'!

First, we'll shut off our oil taps to the West, sending your markets into chaos. We'll use the remaining oil wealth to fund global Jihad. From East to West, North to South, we'll root the infidels out of the rest of the world. We'll do so because God is giving me, and a handful of others, precise instructions.

Oh, how glorious the world will be then. Then a small band of men will hold all the power and lord over all the people. We will appear to be pious and subservient to God, when, in fact, we are really egotists and narcissists who use religion to drape ourselves in absolute power and the adulation of millions.

We will never promote freedom, as you western pigs see it. There will be no separation of religion and state, no representative government or elections, and no individual rights, especially for women. The only rule of law will be OUR rules, as determined by the precise instructions God is giving directly to me and a handful of others.

This is why we fight in Iraq. We reject the sin, corruption and immorality you impose on us. We don't want your lousy movies and loose women -- especially the French ones who don't bathe or shave their armpits. Osama has known fresher-smelling camels.

We resent you and your women. Whereas you date freely, Osama is saddled with four wives. All I hear is "Osama, when are you coming home?" and "Osama, we haven't redecorated the cave since the beginning of Jihad." There are days Osama thinks about strapping a vest bomb onto himself!

So listen, you attention-deficit-disorder non-believers, you will lose in Iraq, the Middle East and eventually the world. This is because you are weak cowards who lack will. But all my people are pulling together. Even the women play a role, because someone has to make the sandwiches.

Because we are willing to die for our cause. In fact, my people WANT to die -- they want the 70 virgins waiting for them in heaven. Or was that 70 Virginians? Osama needs to brush up on his Arabic.

But your people are shallow and afraid. I know this because I watch Ted Kennedy on television, your highly respected U.S. Senator. Sure, we can only see his large alcohol-soaked head on big-screen television -- we have raised Al Qaeda funds to buy such televisions -- but he has convinced us your country is in a panic.

And you panic because great leaders such as Al-Sadr killed your infidel soldiers in our streets, where you are afraid to fight. So highly skilled and disciplined was Al-Sadr that he directed several battles against your army without missing one pass at the buffet table.

So know this, class of 2004. As fanatical Muslims such as Osama get their way, all infidels of the world will face a crossroads. To paraphrase immoral Jewish comedian Woody Allen, one path will lead to utter destruction and hopelessness, the other to death and despair.

May you have the wisdom to make the right choice.

Tom Purcell

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