New Year's Resolutions
December 31, 2003
"What do you mean you have no personal New Year's resolutions?"
"Look, I'm sick of making resolutions for myself. This year I'm
making resolutions for other people."
"Other people?"
"Yeah, I'm tired of so many Americans moaning and complaining and
overlooking how good we have it here. So this year I resolve to give
some of the whiners and complainers some positive direction."
"A bit presumptuous, but go on."
"Let me start with the Democrats running for president. I understand
that in politics the goal is to make the other guy look bad, but if
someone handed these guys a bag of gold, they'd say it was Bush's fault
for making the bag too heavy."
"How true."
"Take Howard Dean. He was making hay among his party's left wing
by running against Bush's decision to invade Iraq. The truth is we won't
know the full impact of this preemptive strike for some time. But when
we captured Saddam Hussein all Dean could come up with was that America
is still NOT any safer. How absurd."
"He said that indeed."
"Then Libya decides to come clean on its weapons of mass destruction,
a clear sign that Bush's aggressive tactics in the war on terror are
yielding some positive results to make the world safer. But Democrats
pretend like that would have happened anyhow."
"Also true."
"And now, thanks to Bush's tax cuts for everyone including the
rich, the economy is really starting to hum. The stock market is blossoming,
the economy is growing and just last week jobless claims were they lowest
they've been since Bush became president."
"No argument there."
"And last week a Canadian cow is found in America with Mad Cow
Disease and the first things Democrats say is that Bush is at fault
- even though a Washington Post editorial says the government's beef-screening
process is actually working well."
"So what do you suggest?"
"I resolve that Democrats quit whining about how dumb and wrong
Bush is and instead raise and debate important issues for the good of
our country. Competition is good for everyone, but the Democrats aren't
doing anybody any good, least of all themselves."
"I can see you have a lot to get off your chest."
"I'm just getting warmed up. I resolve that all the junk on broadcast
television gets canned. You notice that as premium cable channels like
HBO air higher and higher quality programming the stuff on the broadcast
channels is getting even worse? That means only people who can afford
HBO are watching the good stuff. I resolve that everyone purchases HBO
this year."
"An odd resolution, but go on."
"I resolve that men stop becoming such wimps. Another study came
out recently that shows that every time an episode of "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy" is aired, men are more likely to go shopping
- with other men. Look, men don't shop with other men. In fact, men
don't shop until their wives and girlfriends force them to. Goodness
gracious, what are men coming to in this country."
"It's the metrosexual trend, I'm afraid."
"I resolve that people with personal problems, especially celebrities,
keep their problems to themselves. Nobody wants to know your trials
and tribulations, OK."
"Here, here."
"I resolve that Dr. Atkin's is posthumously awarded the Medal of
Freedom this year. Thanks to the good doctor, millions of people are
free to lose weight eating the tasty whole-food treats of their choosing.
I'll bet if we shared this diet with people in the Middle East, peace
would finally break out!"
"To be sure. Any other resolutions?"
"Just one. I resolve that Republicans start acting like Republicans
again. What the heck happened to the Contract with America? They used
to preach thriftiness and small government, now they're spending dough
like Martha Stewart at an insider-trading sale."
