The Computer Virus
August 15, 2003
The lousy little computer geeks.
I'm talking about the whiz twits who launched the LoveSan virus last
week. They found a flaw in Windows, launched their little virus and
quickly shut down millions of computers around the world, including
mine.
I called the expert technicians who work for my biggest client, a large
computer firm. This firm generates billions in revenue every year showing
other companies how to use computers and protect against viruses, so
what did the technician tell me?
"Virus? What virus?"
I tried to go to the Microsoft Web site to download a patch to stop the problem. Microsoft issues dozens of patches every year to fix glitches in their software, glitches that allow geeks to send out viruses that shut your computer down. But this time the clever virus twits shut down the Microsoft Web site, too.
So I was helpless. I fumbled about for four hours like a man who'd just lost his house and family to a hurricane. I tried to pull myself together - I even tried to write on a piece of paper with a pen, but my hand, unable to remember how to shape several consonants and at least two vowels, cramped up, causing unbelievable pain.
Finally, a secretary I know figured out how to solve the problem - easy to fix if you know what you're doing. She had me fixed up long before the technical people showed. I began breathing normally again and resumed my workday.
But the incident made me keenly aware of how vulnerable I am. Thanks to the Internet, everything is connected these days, and the same speed and ease that I rely on to get my work done is being used against me by geeks who are able to disrupt my little world at their whimsy.
I have been accused of being a conservative fellow, even at times Libertarian. But let me tell you this: I favor new laws and new programs that go after the virus makers, no matter what Civil liberties are abridged, no matter the costs.
I learned how to write on computers, you see - learned how to think
through computers. At Penn State in the early 1980's, I used to sneak
into the "Collegian" offices late at night and use their dumb
terminals and minicomputer to complete my schoolwork. Today I have the
same relationship with my laptop that a crack addict has with his pusher.
My sudden awareness of this addiction pains me. I remember back in 1988
how I mocked the older fellows who ran an advertising agency I worked
for. I'd come to them from a high-tech firm that was using the most
advanced technology of the time. These fellows didn't even have a computer.
They'd go to lunch, suck down three martinis, then pump out an amount of work that the most advanced computer couldn't keep up with. They were unable to rely on the "productive" tools we take for granted today, so they compensated by developing better minds.
Though are we really more productive these days? How much time is wasted swapping e-mails with friends? And let's not forget that we need dozens of passwords to access computer systems. We forget the passwords, forcing us to spend hours on the phone with technical experts who say things like, "Password? What password?"
I remember working with a fellow once - a very smart fellow - who had just finished organizing his machine. It was loaded with spreadsheets and electronic databases to help him locate any information he might need to get through the day. One day, he sat in front of his brilliantly organized machine, completely perplexed.
"What's the matter?" I said to him.
"I'm so well organized," he said, "that I can't find
anything."
So I'm not convinced our computers are making us more productive. I am convinced that when the virus twits strike, millions of us can't do anything. Only the computer geek thrive when such chaos and misery breaks out, and I have proof.
I read about one fellow who uses his home computer to schedule runs for his small trucking company. When the LoveSans virus shut him down, he called Geeks on Wheels (a real company). They installed the virus software and Microsoft patch and had him up and running in about five minutes.
And they only charged him $250.00 for the pleasure.
