An Open Letter to Bill and Hillary

June 5, 2003

I write to you now as a matter of grave national importance. On behalf of the American people, we have an important demand for both of you: go away.

Bill, you had your eight years in the spotlight and, boy, did you give us a show. As soon as we grew tired of one scandal, you gave us another. Every time you'd get yourself out of trouble, you'd do something stupid to put yourself, and us, right back in the muck.

Your presidency was like one massive therapy session. All of us were forced to go back to your childhood to discover the cause of your problems and your propensity to lie, because nothing was ever your fault.

But eight years of this was not good enough for you. No, when you left office, you were just getting started. Unlike every president before you, who did not criticize the policies of subsequent presidents, you don't miss an opportunity to publicly criticize President Bush or tell the rest of us what we ought to be doing.

Hillary, you won your seat in the senate fair and square. We certainly don't mind when you talk about things Democratic senators talk about, such as spreading mistruths about tax cuts and blocking judicial nominees.

But please don't talk about Monica. We don't care what you're pretending to remember about that situation. We don't care that you're trying to portray yourself as the wronged little wife, the last one to find out that the dog lied to you.

As an antidote to the lies, deception and double-talk of the Clinton presidency, we elected straight-talking Dubya. He has brought dignity back to the White House, and he has earned our trust. And that's a good thing, because we are facing some real problems now - problems that only adults can solve.

While you two are forcing us to drudge up tired old stories about Bill's personal failings, Bush is spending time with other adults trying to bring peace to a troubled region. He's facing the terrorism challenge head on. He's pushing through a bold agenda to get the economy up and running.

We know you disagree with his policies. We know you think a Democrat should become president two years from now, and that is what is most ironic about the way you two keep on polluting the headlines.

The more you talk, the more you distract all of us from the important business at hand - namely, the debate about what our government is doing to solve our challenges. Right now a half dozen Democrats are fighting to get their message out. They want to become our next president, you see. They have different ideas about how our government should function and a hearty debate is shaping up.

But they can't get a word in edgewise with the two of you dragging us back down into Bill's libido. The more you talk, the less chance they'll have to get their message heard - and the less likely they will get their own chance to become president and wreck the country.

So here's the deal, Bill and Hill. We're willing to give you whatever you want if you'll just go away. You hated Bush's $350 billion tax cut, but maybe you'll like this idea better: instead of giving that money back to the taxpayers, we'll give it to you if you promise to go away.

I know you miss Air Force One, Bill. I know you miss tying up traffic during rush hour with your long motorcades. We'll give you Air Force One and all the motorcades you want, if you promise to go away.

What's that, Bill? You miss the White House, too? OK, then, you can move back into the White House. You can rent out as many rooms as you like and do whatever you want in the Oval Office, just so long as you go away.

Let me make this point loud and clear, Bill and Hill. We were exhausted when you left office and we've not recovered yet. We had hoped to never hear the name "Monica" again, but that was an unfortunate pipe dream. So on behalf of the American people, I promise you this. We will do anything and give you anything, just so long as you do one thing.

Please go away.

Tom Purcell