Excercise Pill
January 3, 2003
All right, tubby America, it's the
New Year and time for us to start getting the flab off. But let's do it
in a uniquely American way.
It is true, my friends, that we are the fattest country on this planet.
Our culture is saturated in an abundance of high-calorie foods. We work
long and hard in sedentary office jobs, then eat our stress away two or
three fast-food treats at a time. We've become so fat, to quote Rodney
Dangerfield, our bathtubs have stretch marks.
But we should be sick and tired of feeling guilty about it.
Yeah, we know our increasing tubbiness isn't healthy. According to the
Center for Disease Control, obesity-associated diseases such as diabetes
nearly doubled since 1979. Gallbladder diseases have tripled. Sleep apnea
increased five-fold. And tubbiness is a leading contributor to high
blood pressure and heart disease, one of our biggest killers.
But the fact is that our excess weight is a reflection of the success
of our political system. The experiment called America worked better than
anyone could have imagined. Thus, even in these dour economic times, we
still enjoy an affluence that is the envy of the world. And we carry our
affluence around guts, thighs and chins for all the world to see.
Sure, we know we need to lose some weight. That's why many Americans have
made weight loss their number one resolution for the New Year. But as
I said, this uniquely American problem demands a uniquely American solution.
You see, there are some among us - non-patriots with communist leanings
- who think the only way to lose weight is to deny ourselves. Frequently
animal rights advocates, these people demand that we give up juicy steak,
pork, chicken and even fish. They demand we avoid any mass-produced tasty
treat, such as chips, nachos and the entire Dolly Madison line. To wit:
they want every lost ounce to come through great fits of pain and suffering.
But the freedom lovers among us - "fr-eat-om fighters?" - are fighting
back. We said nuts to low-fat, bland-tasting diets. We said nuts to the
concept of dieting altogether. Instead, we rallied around one of the most
heroic figures to emerge in the last 100 years: Dr. Atkins.
That is right, ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Atkins led us from the wilderness.
He said we no longer had to suffer to lose weight. He said we could eat
delicious steaks, pork, chicken and fish. He said we can eat as much eggs
and cheese and other tasty treats as we could stuff into our bellies.
This courageous man was attacked from every corner. He was accused of
lying to Americans, telling them what they want to hear. But three prominent
studies in the last year have concluded that old Doc Atkins might
be onto something. Low-carbohydrate diets may actually take off more weight
than low-fat diets and may be surprisingly better for cholesterol, too.
Well, America, the best is yet to come. You see, another key component
of weight loss and good health is exercise. Sure, the Atkins' diet might
help you shed some pounds, the "deny us everything crowd" might concede,
but we still have to go out into the cold and exercise.
Oh, really?
It would appear that another heroic figure has risen out of the ashes,
a fellow whose magnitude could outdo even that of Dr. Atkins. His name
is Dr. R Sanders Williams, dean of the Duke University School of Medicine.
Last year, researchers working under this fine doctor located the chemical
pathways that muscle cells use to build strength and endurance. With this
basic knowledge in hand, it may soon be possible to develop a pill that
pumps up muscle cells WITHOUT the need for actual exercise.
That is right, my tubby American friends. The time is not far off when
we will all be sitting in front of the television eating huge helpings
of steak, beef jerky, eggs and cheese, and yet we'll still lose weight.
And while we are stuffing our guts, our muscles will be pumping up. Our
biceps will get as round as cantaloupes, our abs as rock-hard as stone.
And we will coin a new phrase for this pastime. We will call it "working
out."
And that is what I call a uniquely American solution to our weight and
exercise problems.
