8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

November 8, 2002

Ring, Ring.

"Hello, this is Chris."

"Hi, Chris, it's Taylor. I called to see if you'd like to go on a date, maybe do some necking, and who knows where things might end up!"

"Taylor, if my father heard you talking like that, we'd both be in big trouble. We're only teenagers, after all."

"Don't be a fuddy duddy, Chris."

"Look, Taylor, haven't you heard. From now on anyone who wants to date me has to follow the eight rules."

"Huh?"

"Some father named Bruce Cameron wrote them. He calls them the '8 Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.' His work is the basis for the television sitcom starring John Ritter."

"Well, what are the rules?"

"The first rule is that if you pull into our driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up."

"So I shouldn't honk anymore when I come over?"

"Nope. Rule number two is that you're not allowed to touch me in any way while in the presence of my dad. You may glance, but you're not allowed to peer."

"That's a silly rule."

"Rule number three has to do with loose pants. You better not show up in anything that allows your underwear to be seen."

"Only a dad who doesn't understand fashion would come up with such stupid rules."

"Rule number four is a pretty funny one. In today's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. But Bruce Cameron elaborates for all fathers: he says the father is the barrier and he will do the killing."

"What's so funny about that, Chris?"

"Rule number five has to do with small talk with my dad, but don't bother. The only information he wants from you is when are you getting me home and the answer better be 'early.'"

"So we can't stay out until 3:00 a.m. anymore?"

"I guess not, Taylor. Rule number six is a tough one. Once you decide to date me, you must continue to do so until I no longer want to date you. If you make me cry, my dad will make you cry."

"But you know I'm crazy about you, Chris! That's why I'm always calling you, always swinging by to pick you up, always asking you to go necking!" 
 
"Let's move on to rule number seven. Sometimes when you swing by to pick me up, I'll likely be busy doing other things. So instead of just waiting in the hallway, like you usually do, dad wants you to make yourself useful and change the oil in his car."

"But I don't know how to change the oil, Chris!"

"That brings us to rule number eight. You are not permitted to take me any place where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool or where there are no parents, policemen or nuns. There's plenty more to this rule, but you get the idea."

"But, Chris, I don't understand why your father would want to apply these rules to me!"

"Well, Taylor, it is a difficult time to be a teen. A New York Times article says every day teens are assaulted by sexual images on television. It only makes sense that many try to emulate in their own lives what they see Madonna and Britney Spears doing in the pop culture scene."

"But --"

Other articles by Tom Purcell can be found in the Men's News Daily archive.

"Besides, teens are really confused. My dad said boys used to chase the girls and the girls were taught to resist them. The boys used to be after only one thing and girls had to protect themselves. But even the New York Times says that now it is the girls who are calling the boys and pushing for sex."

"But -- "

"Yep, the feminist ideology that there are no differences between men and women has seeped into every nook and cranny of our culture, and has firmly taken root in teen culture. Teen girls are just as wild as teen boys ever were."

"But --"

"But what, Taylor?"

"But I still don't understand why '8 Rules to Date My Teenage Daughter' has anything to do with me!"

"It has everything to do with you, Taylor!"

"But, Chris, I'm the girl and you're the guy!"

"I know, Taylor. Isn't it cool how everything has reversed itself?"

Tom Purcell