I have never made a secret of the fact that the one job in the world I’d get up early and put on a suit and tie for is Commissioner of Baseball. It’s not just the salary or the fact that you get the best seat in the house for every game up to and including the seventh game of the World Series, but that you get to dole out fines and suspensions. I see myself in the grand tradition of Kenesaw Mountain Landis, the stony-faced commissioner who saw to it that no White Sox player who entered the hotel room of gambler Arnold Rothstein continued to play in the major leagues.

Many people regard Mr. Landis as an arch villain, even though he was a notorious soft touch when it came to old baseball players, simply because he lowered the boom on “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, arguably one of the ten greatest hitters in baseball history. They point to the fact that, although Jackson entered the room, he ultimately decided not to help his teammates throw the Series to Cincinnati. Which is true enough. He batted a ton and played his position flawlessly. But the fact is, he knew that eight other players had taken the money and were selling out the rest of the team, and he said nothing. And so far as Landis and I are concerned, that made him culpable. Which is why, in spite of his .356 career batting average, I wouldn’t enshrine him in the Hall of Fame.

There are many people who credit Babe Ruth and his home run heroics with saving baseball after the Black Sox scandal, but I give equal credit to Landis. He set a standard that, for all its flaws, baseball has pretty much maintained. In all these years, I have not heard even a rumor of another player ever being bought off or any umpire being bribed.

Granted, thanks to their union, it is more difficult these days to discipline players. A prime example was Steve Howe, who was found to be using drugs on seven separate occasions, but continued to be allowed to play because of the premium on left-handed relief pitchers. But I’d still like Bud Selig to step aside and let a real man take over. It’s a crime the things that professional athletes get away with, and I’m not even referring to the use of steroids. Which, if I were in charge, would lead to the same sentence that Joe Jackson received. Just as the integrity of the game was more important than Jackson or Pete Rose, so is it bigger than Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa and Jason Giambi. Players start brawls with their opponents and even with the fans, and wind up with two or three day suspensions. When starting pitchers are involved, it’s even more of a farce because they only play once every five days! If I had the job, they’d be out for the season.

The fines that professional athletes are hit with are even a bigger joke. The latest example involved Randy Moss, a wide receiver with the Minnesota Vikings, who pantomimed mooning the Green Bay fans during a nationally televised playoff game, and got hit with a $10,000 fine by the NFL. Even Moss, who is a lunkhead even by football standards, said the fine was a joke. As he pointed out, he makes $5.5 million-a-season, and that’s not counting endorsements and investments. For those of you who have trouble with numbers, $10,000 for him is the equivalent of $100 for a person pulling down $55,000-a-year.

When a person making as much as Moss isn’t hit with a million dollar fine for bad behavior, you’re not even going to get his attention, let alone send a message to the other players. I mean, really, why even bother? Even little kids know that ten grand is chump change for their sports idols. It just makes the entire system look cheesy and hypocritical.

Let’s face it – if speeding tickets only set us back a buck or so and had no effect on our insurance rates, we’d all be doing 85.

Burt Prelutsky

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©2004 Burt Prelutsky

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