Years ago, when I used to write a column for the L.A. Times, there was one publicity agent who was constantly after me to interview her clients. I kept refusing. It was nothing personal. It just so happened that all of her clients were rock ‘n’ roll musicians, and I hated rock ‘n’ roll. One day, after a few years of this routine, I asked her why she had never offered me a bribe. I pointed out that most of her clients could well afford to slip me a couple of thousand dollars if it was so darn important that they got their names in the paper.

The lady was shocked. “You mean you can be bought?” I told her I couldn’t be. At least not for two grand. But at least if she had offered it, I would have felt a lot better about turning her down.

What brings this memory flooding back is Armstrong Williams. Until a short time ago, I had never even heard of the man. Now I find I can’t stop thinking about him. In case his name doesn’t ring a bell, he’s a columnist and TV personality – the sort commonly referred to these days as a pundit – who struck it rich when the Department of Education paid him $240,000 to help them sell Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act to black people.

Unfortunately, I don’t have all the details, and I wish I did. For instance, did the fee cover a specific time frame? Three months? Six months? I’m guessing a year. Did he have to push the Act every day or just put in a good word for it two or three times a week? Did he actually approve of the program or did he have to set his own misgivings aside in order to promote it?

How did the feds approach him? Phone call in the dead of night? An e-mail? A note under his door? What did they say? Did they just ask him if he felt like selling out? How were the negotiations handled? Did they start out offering him $50 and did he counter with half a million, and did they simply split the difference?

I have always been curious about the price that people place on their integrity. Back when I was just a kid, I recall that a close associate of President Eisenhower, Sherman Adams, saw his career crash and burn over a vicuna coat. A protégé of Lyndon Johnson’s followed in Mr. Adams’ footsteps, but he met his Waterloo over a stereo. Back when $100,000 was still regarded as serious loot, I read about three federal judges in Texas who had accepted payoffs in the $150,000-$200,000 range. I recall thinking that it sure made a lot more sense to be blown out of the water for that kind of money than for a damn record player. It’s bad enough being corrupt without also being stupid. But, getting back to Mr. Williams, I’d love to know how they arrived at that exact figure. I realize that $240,000 works out to a nice even $20,000-a-month. I can’t help thinking, though, that he must have asked for $250,000 – a cool quarter of a million – at some point. How could he not? It would be like settling for $960,000 instead of asking for a million. Do you think the feds simply drew a line in the sand, and told him it was $240,000, not a penny more, take it or leave it? It’s weird. I mean, what’s ten grand between friends, especially when we’re talking tax dollars?

Another thing I’d like to know is why this administration hasn’t offered me anything. After all I’ve done for them, they didn’t even invite me to the big Chanukah bash at the White House. It would have been a nice gesture, and it wouldn’t have cost them anything because I wouldn’t have gone. I hate flying.

In any case, would it have killed the folks over at the Department of Education to have given me the opportunity to turn them down, to tell them in no uncertain terms that my integrity is not for sale? On second thought, maybe it’s just as well they didn’t test my mettle. I mean, who’s kidding whom? For $240,000, I just might have asked my integrity to step outside for a minute while the adults took care of business. So if Mr. Williams reads this, I want him to know that I’m not the sort who thinks I’m entitled to the high moral ground simply because nobody has called to make me an offer I can’t refuse.

I do wish he’d phone just to satisfy my curiosity. For one thing, I’m dying to know if he has to pay taxes on money slipped to him under the table by Uncle Sam. And if he does, how does his CPA account for it? Is it listed on his tax return as wages, tips or simply a bribe?

Just to find out exactly who he is, I paid a visit to Mr. Williams’ website. There, I discovered he’d written a very long apology to his readers. He wrote about having crossed the line, he referred to conflict of interests, and he even admitted to exercising bad judgment, which is the cardinal sin for pundits. The one thing he didn’t mention was having any intention of paying back the money.

Maybe instead of Armstrong, his first name should be Strongarm.

Burt Prelutsky

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©2004 Burt Prelutsky

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