I have always regarded myself as a fairly bright person, quicker than most when it came to grasping concepts. That’s not to say that I necessarily am in favor of them, but merely that, as with, say, Elvis Presley’s records and movies, I have a handle on the attraction for other people.
But there is one thing that’s been floating around for years where I simply can’t comprehend the appeal. Why hasn’t it gone the way of other silly fads such as Hula Hoops and coonskin caps, I ask myself. Why on earth, I now ask you, have bumper stickers stuck around all this time?
You see them everywhere you look. Not all of them are political. Some even attempt to be amusing. Just pray that you never get behind one of those in a traffic jam. It’s like being told the same joke a thousand times in a row. Some of them are benign. I’m including all those My Son Has Perfect Attendance at Hoover Street Elementary School stickers, and the ones that boast I’ve Got the World’s Best Granddaughter. I do sometimes wonder, though, if when these folks sell their cars, they should, by law, have to toss in those wonderful tots.
But who in his right mind would ever put a partisan bumper sticker on his car? For one thing, your automobile is a very vulnerable target. Some people have been known to key an SUV simply because it was parked in such a way as to hog two spaces in a crowded parking lot. No, not I. Never. But I’ve certainly thought about it once or twice. But why would you want to tempt fate by driving around in a vehicle that urges strangers to vote for, say, Kerry or Bush? I mean, aside from the possible vandalism you might well provoke, what response are you envisioning? In short, what is the upside to the foolish risk you’re taking?
Do you really imagine that I, a conservative, will read your bumper and somehow experience an epiphany? Before the signal turns green, I will see the light, and I will forever after vote the straight liberal ticket? Oh, sure, I grant you anything’s possible. But, ask yourselves, is it at all likely?
Or do you believe that if you politely allow me to ease into the lane in front of you, I will spot your sticker, and, out of boundless gratitude, decide to switch my vote?
Believe me, the way most of you drive, you’re far more likely to ensure that I will slog my way through rain, snow and sleet, to get to the polls and vote against your guy.
Or perhaps you picture me driving along in my ’92 Dreckmobile when I spot a luxury car with a bumper sticker exhorting me to vote for a liberal. I then sit there mulling it over for a while, finally concluding that if the guy driving a Lexus or a Benz is for a Democrat, I’d be a damn fool to disagree with my betters. After all, if he’s rich, he must know what he’s talking about.
Sorry to disillusion you, but what I’m really thinking is, if he believes in higher taxes, why doesn’t he just pay more and leave me out of it?! Or maybe you picture me driving along when I spot an old jalopy with a bumper sticker insisting that I vote for a liberal. In such cases, I say to myself, “This schlimiel is even worse off than I am. Why in hell should I listen to him?!”
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©2004 Burt Prelutsky
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