Living here in Los Angeles, the choice of newspapers comes down to the Times and the Daily News. Talk about a rock and a hard place! If you’re not familiar with them, count yourself fortunate. I subscribe to the Times even though it is so dedicated to the liberal line that it carries over from the editorial page to its news coverage, its letters to the editor, its comics and even its New York gossip columnist, Liz Smith. The only problem with the Daily News is that it is such a poor cousin to the Times that it can only hope to compete by covering local news, while giving scant attention to anything that occurs outside the city limits. If war broke out in Europe, it might go unreported in the News if there happened to be a four-car pileup on the Hollywood Freeway.

When I tell out-of-towners what a miserable rag the Times is, they tend not to believe me. After all, the Times, as it is forever reminding its readers, wins Pulitzer Prizes. That is true, but it is basically meaningless. For all their hype, the Pulitzers tend to go to papers that are rich enough and big enough to periodically devote tons of newsprint to a single story. Nobody actually reads these multi-part sagas because nobody, except perhaps the Pulitzer judges, wants to devote that much time to reading what is supposed to be a daily newspaper, not a Russian novel.

By any objective standard, the L.A. Times is a third-rate paper with a first-rate budget. It is now nearly unreadable. Even its sports pages, generally the best-written section in most papers, is a haven for the worst hacks in the business. If you attend a movie in L.A., you will inevitably see a commercial lauding Calendar, the Times section supposedly devoted to arts and entertainment. But as well- produced as the commercials are, it is a case of all sizzle and no steak. For one thing, under the guise of reviewing TV, the Times will lambaste any conservative who appears on the tube, while using book reviews as a way to push every Bush-bashing tome that rolls off the press.

If you really want to get the lowdown on Hollywood, everybody knows you have to read Daily Variety. The Times is so afraid of offending Hollywood’s rich and powerful cadre of liberals, it might just as well be in the publicity business. Part of the reason the Times is so mediocre is because a number of years ago, an edict was passed down from the top, insisting that women and minorities would get first crack at most jobs, qualifications be damned. At the risk of offending the liberal psyche, affirmative action is a loony policy – whether it’s employed to determine college admissions or hiring practices at a major newspaper.

I realize all of what I’ve written is highly subjective. I’m sure that people, say those of a leftist bent, think the Times is a great newspaper. So, I will grant that it’s simply my opinion that the Times is about on a par with the old Pravda. So, let us now deal with the paper objectively. For some time now, the Times has been running a daily column called For the Record. It is devoted strictly to correcting recent mistakes. It quickly became my favorite part of the paper, providing me with more laughs than Jay Leno and John Kerry put together.

When I decided to make my case against the Times about a week and a half ago, I began collecting items from the daily log. During that short time, there were over 70 separate items. A big city newspaper is supposed to provide a public record, after all. I mean, even if you disagree with its political slant, you are supposed to be able to take it for granted that they got their names, dates and facts, straight; right? Let us begin. They referred to the Philadelphia Inquirer as the Philadelphia Enquirer.

The Times stated that attorney Johnnie Cochran proved that football star Ron Settles died as a result of a policeman’s chokehold; the jury actually decided he had died at the hands of another, but didn’t specify how or by whom. The Times referred to Africa as a country, not a continent.

They wrote that a bipartisan commission investigating the 9/11 terrorist attacks had found no evidence of “a collaborative relationship between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda” when the report actually said that there was no proof of a collaborative operational relationship.

A map of Tropical Storm Jeanne mislabeled Arkansas as Texas. Brit Hume’s name was changed to Britt. A 60-inch LG plasma screen was said to be 71-inches.

A photo of little known actor Matthew Fox was said to be Michael J. Fox. The falsetto voice on the old recording of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” was attributed to Spike Jones. The singer was actually George Rock. Aliso Niguel High School was confused with Capistrano Valley High. Rocks in the Mojave National Preserve were said to be 2.5 million years old. It seems they’re actually 2.5 billion years old.

Staff Sgt. Cardenas Alban was identified as Staff Sgt. Alban Cardenas. The Times reported that the Walt Disney Co. paid no federal taxes in any of the past three years. It seems they paid nearly $600 million during that period. It managed to confuse Robert DeNiro with Jack Black.

In an article about the L.A. Dodgers, it was stated that they’d made comebacks in 11 of its past 12 games. The reality was they had made comebacks in 11 of their past 12 victories.

Theatre director Gary Lee Reed was identified as Gary Leeds. Movie director Fred Niblo was identified as Frank Niblo. The Times declared that there are 1.3 trillion possible combinations for a pizza with 15 toppings to choose from. Not quite. The actual number, we were later informed, is 32,768.

In the coverage of a local football game, receiver Danny Hernandez was re-named Justin Robertson. And not only was he not tackled on the play, as the Times first claimed, but broke free and scored a touchdown.

The Times informed us that the Brazilian movie “City of God” was Oscar- nominated for best foreign film. Not true.

In that same over-hyped Calendar section, it was said that Sam Shepard portrayed an astronaut in “The Right Stuff.” Again not true. He played a test pilot. Again in Calendar: “Star Wars: A New Hope” was re-titled “Star Wars: A New Home.”

A news article described the Illinois Senate race as a close one, although a poll showed Barack Obama with a 51% lead over Alan Keyes! A photo of L.A. Police Commissioner Alan Skobin was identified as City Councilman Greig Smith.

On the sports page, Illinois was declared the winner over Western Illinois. It so happens they defeated Western Michigan. The same day, Penn State was credited with a win over Pittsburgh. It was Central Florida they defeated. “Angels in America” didn’t break a record by winning 11 Emmys; it merely tied a record set by “Eleanor and Franklin.”

Phenix City, Alabama, had its name changed to Phoenix City. Westlake Village was said to be located inside the eastern border of L.A. County. It should have been the western border.

In an obituary of a movie executive, it stated that he had produced “Village of the Damned,” but it was “Children of the Damned.” For good measure, the same obit changed legendary producer Pandro Berman’s name to Pando.

Oak Forest Mobile Estates came out Sherwood Forest Mobile Home Park. Endurance runner Bob Adjemian found himself identified as Mark Ryan. (By the way, that’s how names used to get changed in the old days at Ellis Island.) Jack Liberman had his name changed twice in the same article. Once he was Jack Lieberman, another time Yaacov Liberman.

A headline on a piece about the Reagan Library stated that the Air Force One exhibit would open in 1995. They meant 2005.

And, finally, an article about Jack Hensley, an American who was beheaded by Islamic butchers, stated that a trust fund established for his daughter’s education had far exceeded her needs and amounted to about a million dollars. The fund, we were subsequently informed, had collected only $2,500!

It gets even better. Four months after running the original item, they got around to printing the following retraction: “An article June 20th in Section A about legislation affecting benefits for same-sex couples in Virginia said the Rev. Robin Gorsline and the Rev. Tim Kutzmark were among 50 couples seeking marriage licenses at the Richmond circuit court. Gorsline and Kutzmark were at the court, but they are not partners and did not seek a marriage license.”

That’s quite a list, but it’s less than half the boo-boos the Times had to correct in that short period. Some of the others were relatively minor, unless, of course, it was your name being misspelled or your photo in place of some felon’s, but several of them were major. I refrained from listing some of them because the stories were long and the corrections were even longer.

But, I ask you, political slant aside, what good is a newspaper when you can’t even rely on it to settle bar bets? I mean, you can count on even high school newspapers to get football results right. But, obviously not the Pulitzer Prize-winning L.A. Times. My favorite Times goof took place a few months ago, when the paper reported a remarkable paleontological discovery. It seems that a fossil had been found that established that there were birds on earth millions of years earlier than anyone had ever suspected.

The part of the article that grabbed my attention was the astonishing fact that these birds were the size of cows! Which would certainly explain why that old cartoon character, the caveman Alley Oop, was usually pictured carrying a handmade umbrella. For two days, while trying not to think of the damage such a bird could do to a car’s paint job, I couldn’t stop trying to imagine the wingspan on a creature that enormous. On the third day, For the Record cleared the air, as it were. It seems the birds were actually the size of crows!

Cows, crows, it’s all the same to the L.A. Times, whose motto should be “All the News That’s Fit to Misprint.”  

Burt Prelutsky

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©2004 Burt Prelutsky

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