L.T.S.
January 20, 2004
L.T.S.
January 20, 2004
I have a friend who is an admirable person, except for one single flaw in his character. After seeing a truly awful movie or TV show, he will wage a relentless campaign to make me see it. When I voice a disinclination to waste my time on something he has already convinced me is terrible, he refuses to take no for an answer. He will state, in his sorry attempt at persuasion, "You won't believe how rotten it is," when the facts argue otherwise.
Or he will insist, "It's so bad, it's funny." I have tried to explain that I have never been amused by anything that wasn't funny on purpose. I just don't happen to be one of those people who laughs at the inept, the inane and the amateurish. I wish I were, as there is so much of it around, but I'm not.
These days, when my friend starts in on me, insisting that I see Eddie Murphy's latest bomb or check out some new reality show, I stop him with three little words: "Life's too short." If he persists, I merely repeat "L.T.S." like a mantra until he stops.
It occurs to me that, slowly but surely, it has evolved into my personal philosophy. Somebody invites me to a cocktail party at which I know I'll be bored to tears, the little voice in my head whispers, "L.T.S.," and I beg off. Somebody suggests going out to dine at the latest of those trendy torture chambers where the noise level is high and the portions are skimpy. A second person suggests checking out a revival of "Equus." Someone else suggests going to a political fund raiser. To one and all, I say, "Thanks for thinking of me, but L.T.S."
Writer wannabes want my opinion of their books, their scripts, their stories, their poems. "Thank you for the compliment, but L.T.S."
I'm not suggesting for a second that everybody should be like me. After all, who am I to say you shouldn't watch rotten movies, patronize over-priced restaurants or spend hours reading somebody's unpublished poetry?
What I am suggesting is that "Life's Too Short" is a philosophy that most people would do well to adopt. Just think how much more pleasant everybody would be if they simply stopped doing things and going places they know are going to bore them, waste their time and money, and try their patience.
We all face such decisions on a regular basis. Hardly a day goes by that a friend or a spouse doesn't voice an interest in doing something, not because it's going to be fun, but because it's going to be good for us. And, more often than not, because we're a bunch of weak-kneed saps, we find ourselves trooping off to some event that will improve our character, expand our consciousness or broaden us culturally. To all such invitations, I now proclaim that my character, my consciousness and my culture, are all fine and dandy just as they are. In short, L.T.S.
By this time, most of my nearest and dearest know better than to suggest I join them at the opening of an art gallery, a production of Chekhov, Pinter or Albee, or a lecture about anything by anybody.
Each of us will have our own list of things best avoided. But once we begin taking L.T.S. to heart, we'll all be the better for it. Otherwise, on our death bed, we may suddenly become aware, when it's way too late, that we devoted three precious days of our lives to watching Ben Affleck movies, five days to presidential debates, and a month and a half to Michael Jackson's trials and tribulations.
Needless to say, I have much more to share on this important subject,
but I'll stop now because life's too short.
©2004 Burt Prelutsky
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