My Good Neighbor Policy
September 16, 2003
As every real estate agent will tell you, the value of any property inevitably comes down to three things. Namely, location, location, location.
Usually, they're talking about accessibility to shops, schools and the work place. Sometimes, of course, it means the house has a nice view or it sits on a large corner lot or, at the very least, isn't situated too close to an airport or a toxic dump.
The one thing that rarely gets mentioned is, in the long run, the most important thing of all. I refer to the neighbors. After all, it's not that big a deal if you have to drive another couple of blocks to the supermarket or the local cineplex. But anybody who has ever wound up living next door to an obnoxious neighbor will tell you it casts a pall on one's very existence, no matter how many bathrooms you have and no matter how spectacular the view.
Whether the problem is his barking dog or the drunken parties or merely his cranky personality, you will soon find yourself lying awake night after night plotting how to murder the guy in ways so wily that even Sherlock Holmes would be stumped as to the means, if not the motive.
What has me thinking along these lines aren't my own neighbors, fortunately, but America's. My neighbors, I'm happy to report, are swell people. They're friendly, decent folks I'm sure I could count on in a pinch. America, on the other hand, is stuck with Canada and Mexico. They're the sort who let their dogs do their business on your front lawn and who play bad music so loudly that it makes your entire house vibrate and your poor ears beg for mercy.
Canada, I must confess, is the bigger surprise of the two. We all know that our huge, but under-populated, neighbor to the north suffers from an inferiority complex as big as the Yukon. It's understandable. Year after year, it sees its best and its brightest moving south. Those who stay put know in their hearts that they have settled for being big fish in a small pond. Worst of all, even their hockey teams are no longer better than ours.
Still, who would have guessed that their resentment was so deep- rooted that when it came to the recent unpleasantness with Saddam Hussein, they would side with the sorry likes of Germany, France, Russia and China, against not only the U.S., but their British and Australian cousins?
Which brings us, alas, to Mexico, a country that has benefited not only from favorable trade agreements with us, but from the largesse of the Yankee taxpayer for a depressingly long time.
Our politicians have long pandered for Chicano votes by forgiving billion dollar debts, turning a blind eye to illegal aliens and drug trafficking, granting amnesty with a disgusting regularity, and by treating President Fox with the sort of consideration usually reserved for rich relatives.
In return, Mexico not only voted against us as a member of the U.N. Security Council, but has granted sanctuary to well over a hundred fugitives on the lam from American justice. Mexico, a country well known for its corrupt cops and its vicious penal system, oddly enough refuses to extradite anyone facing the possibility of execution or even a life sentence.
As a result, it has become a haven for murderers and sexual predators fleeing their just deserts. One can't help but wonder why our judges continue to grant bail in such cases. And in those instances where we haven't yet captured the good-for-nothing, why don't we tell the Mexican authorities that they're only wanted for traffic violations?
All that being the case, what can we to do to improve our living arrangements? Well, when very rich people find themselves living next door to those they dislike or are merely seeking a bit more privacy, what they often do, at least here in Southern California, is buy their neighbor's house. Then, to ensure that they never have the problem in the future, they simply tear down the dwelling and plant flowers.
Well, America is certainly rich enough. So the only questions, so far as I can see, are what do you think it would cost us to buy Canada and Mexico, and do you prefer roses or petunias?
©2003 Burt Prelutsky
