An old saying talks about things going from the sublime to the ridiculous.  Gents and Girls, I had thought I had seen it all.  I swear to God, after forty some years on the planet you think that life offers no more surprises, that you have plumbed the depths of human stupidity and something comes along to make you stand aghast.  Only a few short days ago, had someone said, “Pete, I have something here that will give you a spit-take” I would have laughed in their faces.

I stand corrected.  I confess to eye-bugging, jaw-dropping, pure and unadulterated astonishment.

The City of New York has actually proposed a bill in the city council that will require places of public accommodation (Translation:  The Jackboots are going to come in at gunpoint and fine you or shut you down if you fail to kow-tow to them), which include privately owned establishments, to hold to no less than a 2-to-1 ratio of female to male bathrooms.

I shit you not.  And, to draw the circle on the pun, it really pisses me off, and I hope Mayor Bloomburg washes his hands of the matter, and does everything he can to stall the passage of the oh-so-inaptly named “Restroom Equity Bill.”

When I read this, I said to myself, “You have got to be kidding me.”  I looked out my window.  Snow flurries.  Christmas tree in my living room.  Christmas cards on the wall. The calendar says “December.” Why did it feel like April the 1^st?  I sat dumbfounded back at my computer screen.  I am STILL nearly speechless.

Did I miss Letterman?  I mean, Jesus H, this is a satirist’s wet dream.  This is manna from fricking heaven.  Or maybe he just couldn’t stop writing the monologue.  You can’t make this up, folks.  It has to be real – fantasy has to make sense.

I hardly know where to start.  Mike LaSalle only gives me so much frickin’ room here….

What bonehead came up with this bullshit?  Let me guess – I bet is has a female name and she’s a Liberal Democrat.  Anyone wanna take my bet and lay some pledges out while I look this up?  Hmmm …  Yvette Clarke, Democrat.  Ya’ll who bet against me are cordially invited to send my winnings to Mike here at Men’s News Daily.

Let me crack my knuckles. I feel a rant coming on.  And you ladies who are thin of skin just need to click the back button right now.  It is not going to be pretty.

Let me get this straight.  Some prissy-assed, chowderheaded clown decides that since she fiddle-faddles around in the john, she and her sisters need double the restrooms of men?  Por Que?  To put lipstick on?  Run their battery-operated-boyfriends in the stalls?  Stand around and gossip?  Preen in the mirror?  I got news, I know of places that have three times the amount of restrooms for women as they do for men, and it still doesn’t help.  Here’s why.  Women fuck around in the bathroom.

That’s it.  There’s just no other words for it.  Look, I’ve dropped trou in a stall, done my business and wiped, and still been out in sooner time than my date, who just went in to squat and piddle.  There’s no other reason.  You can’t tell me that lifting a skirt and sliding a thong down is rocket science.  I’ve worn Kilts, and it’s really not that God damn hard, so don’t even give me that hogswallop about women’s clothing being more complicated.  Fugginay, the skirt or dress is damn near a thing of the past, anyway.  And if I can navigate jeans, me, a poor benighted Neanderthal of a male, don’t even try to tell me that the self-proclaimed epitome of human evolution, the female, can’t.

Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick!  WTF?  Oh, and here’s a real winner, I quote from Yvette:  “The bill is a win-win situation for men and women. Men won't have to stand there and hold all our packages while we are waiting in line for the bathroom.”

Excuse me?  Since when did I become your cabana boy, woman?  Hold your own goddamn packages.  I don’t notice anyone waiting on me hand and foot and holding my packages while I go take a leak.  It’s called “Equality”, luv.  You should try it some time.  Abe Lincoln freed the slaves a hundred and fifty years ago.  (And, just for the record, this most certainly is NOT an invitation for Miz Clarke to hold my package whilst I relieve myself.  Yech!  Talk about a grave-like chill.)

You know, this to me is proof positive that these morons in elective office are just doing things to do things.  We have what, rampant crime?  Murder, kidnappings, and they’re going to put people to work counting TOILETS?  Cops writing tickets for it?  And these people get paid to think this crap up?  And, worse yet, we elect them to do this?  How in the name of all that is holy do these turnips ever get in office?  Now I know why I wouldn’t make a good politician.  I’m not stupid enough.  Do you realize there are going to have to be public hearings over this?  Ye Gods and Little Fishies!  Billy Shakespeare himself couldn’t find the words

You know why men get in and out of the john so quickly, girls?  We don’t go in packs. We don’t giggle about our dates.  We don’t stand at the mirror exchanging make-up tips, or talking about who is boinking who.  We don’t go in there to complain about women.

We go to the john to use the john.  We go to the stall, or the urinal, conduct our business, wash our hands, and leave.  This is why the flow in the men’s room is smooth and orderly, because it is the one space in this whole world where we set the agenda, and we don’t have to pass it around some committee of hens until they think they’ve finally reached a “consensus.”  This is why the inventors, philosophers, scholars, engineers, and world leaders of note and reknown have been, virtually without exception, men.  And those women who have made it to those august ranks have been male-like in their approach to doing things, namely in a “just do it and get it done because it has to be done” approach to life and living.

And, predictably, guess who is going to wind up paying for this?  Yep.  Men.  It costs money to build a room.  If I want to rip out two urinals to put in a stool, that costs labor and materials.  That’s money, but I’m sure Yvette Clarke doesn’t worry about that.  It’s her agenda that is important, pish-posh on trifles like cost.

This is the type of thing that makes people want to tar and feather feminists in specific, and makes men think of women as vain and shallow creatures who are good for one thing.  This isn’t about parity, it isn’t about equity, it isn’t about fairness, and it isn’t about courtesy.  It’s about a bunch of sour old broads who can’t even bring themselves to admit that women use the crapper for more than what it is designed for, and hence it takes them longer.  Rather than do this, somehow these twisted harpies have to make it the fault of men, and want to send in stormtroopers, armed with a government writ of arm-twisting, to get more stuff for women at the expense of men.

Affirmative action for the can.  I almost expect to see Alan Funt pop out of the closet any time now.

MAIL CALL!

First, I’m kind of amazed that after only a couple of columns here at Men’s News Daily I’m getting the load of response back, overwhelmingly positive.  I’d wanted to respond personally to all the letters that roll in, but time prohibits.  Pete has to earn a living in addition to doing any writing here, so I apologize if I don’t respond to you – but don’t let that stop you from writing.  An appreciative audience is the world’s best inspiration, and I thank you all.

Now, let’s see  - Doug Lancaster from California writes:

Dear Mr. Jensen,

Thank you for your article "A Feminine Side?"  God, I wish I could write like you (and I have a Master's Degree in Foreign Literature).

Anyway, I love MND and your article brought a few moments of laughter in an otherwise bitter 6-year custody war. I could tell you a few things "the inner woman" can do which are destructive to children, but we all know they just want the ex-husband out and the money rolling in.

Personally, I think a lot of women have lost touch with their feminine side.

I’m going to remember about the exorcism.

Heh.  Doug, all I do is just get a good case of the ass going, and spit it out before it poisons me.  Gotta laugh, or you’ll go mad.  And let’s hope you never need the bell, book, and candle.

Well – I said “overwhelmingly positive.”  Which means that some idiots do write me, such as “punkgrrrl” from Indianapolis, to wit, or to witless, as the case may be;

i dont see how it does anything for u to b so hateful and mean  theres nothing wrong with having a femine side and u shoudnt talk about it like it were a demin  ur not all that and if u were niccer u might get lade more

Thanks so much for your thoughts, punkgrrrl.  Are you a product of publik skule, or a victim of it?  And nice touch with the no caps or punctuation.  Tell me, are you being unique, just like all your friends?  Here’s a bit of advice for you.  In order for shaming language to have any impact, first I have to give a big fat rat’s hairy ass what some punk high school girl thinks.  But thanks for playing.

Pete Jensen