The Quagmire of Older Women, Part III
January 2, 2004
by Bernard Chapin
Question:
What do you call a super friendly, happy, effervescent woman in her
late twenties or thirties?
Answer: Married to somebody else.
I have encountered countless single women lacking the requisite friendliness or social skills in which they can merely get through a night out on the town, let alone the rest of their remaining fifty years on the planet (I do concede that attitudes may change after menapause, but, as I have known no post-menopausal women romantically, I cannot comment on their situations).
It is peculiar that, on the weekends, these women would leave their homes in the first place when they appear to be extremely resentful about having to talk to anyone. When they’re out they can be observed chattering obsessively amongst one another and attempting to avoid meeting the glances of those around them.
If you were to ask, and they were in the mood to recognize your existence, they might inform you that they only went out with the idea of spending time with their friends and not to converse with anyone new.
Well, we know this to be a not so carefully concealed lie. No one spends the kind of time they do putting themselves together to merely entertain their friends. A friend, by designation, is a person whom you don’t mind seeing in your worst state.
Time with friends is what apartments and homes are for. Stanley Cup playoff games or The Bachelorette or Survivor on the television, as the case may be, would be the perfect backdrop for cementing a friendship. On the other hand, a bar that offers five dollar Miller Lights with unmovable crowds should be avoided if one is concerned with sharing your innermost thoughts. It is best, and most effective, to stay home if you don’t want to take a risk of encountering strangers.
I once saw a former friend of mine, Evil Chuck, break into a group of stuckupniks at a charitable function. He tapped one of them on the shoulder and inquired, “Say, are any of you going to be talking to people outside of your group tonight? I was just wondering because, if so, I’m Chuck.”
They were awestruck. It was as if, like McClellan at Antietam, he had stumbled upon the opposition’s master plan. Luckily for Chuck, as if he needed more luck, his valor resulted in their talking to him.
However, the sad irony with most older women is that at precisely the point in which their value begins to decline is the moment in which they become less friendly and receptive to dating and to relationships in general. Younger women are far more likely to laugh, smile, and be spontaneous than are older women.
One cannot help but be dumbfounded at just how dysfunctional they become in social settings. Like an anti-peacock they, all too eagerly, display their accusatory and suspicious natures. It seems they just can’t be “cool.” Often they’re as confrontational as wolverines and are incapable of normal, detached, introductory conversations.
I remember once at a Christmas party a few years back that a girl I was talking to for a couple of minutes suddenly ended all pretense of civility when she began grilling me as to why I had approached her in the first place. It was the old, “what do you want from me” inquisition. She then stated that the only reason I was talking to her was because I “couldn’t get her friend.” My answer was to walk away. One could dismiss such confrontations as being the result of drunkenness or individual mental pathology, but I have witnessed events like these repeatedly and with all differing casts of characters over the course of the last fifteen years.
I’ve known lots of older women who when asked, list off five thousand things that they require in a man who they’ll marry. Upon hearing this, because their chains are easy to pull, I often follow up my question with “and what is it that you offer a man?” Believe it or not they actually have trouble answering my question!
It is almost comical the way in which these women become pickier and pickier as they have less and less to offer their suitors. As their teeth and hair turn gray they respond by becoming more and more critical of those who are interested in them. Their bellies and hips unduly expand just as their minds contract, but, alas, they are too self-absorbed to realize the tragedy they manufacture.
The time in which they can requisition a man’s unconditional surrender or devotion is long past. They no longer have the power to command, but, like the character of Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, they’d rather deceive themselves than adapt to the changing circumstances of life. In 2002, a 35-year-old I had taken out to my favorite restaurant told me that she was “too young” to worry about having children and “didn’t need to worry about it yet.” I wanted to yell as a response, “yeah right!” Instead, I chose to nod my head sympathetically.
Dr. John Ray is insightful on this topic:
Older women (particularly those over 40) describe themselves in improbably desirable ways because they really believe such self-descriptions to be true! Their high level of social desirability responding could stem from increased self-confidence rather than diminished self-confidence.
No one is more confident of never going to jail than the criminal.
As these women age it is more important than ever for them to consider making a deal, but, after they have been indoctrinated by a media and culture that insists that females are the master race (or master gender as the case may be), the act of making a concession is beyond their capabilities.
This rare combination of hubris and arrogance means that no negotiations can lessen the damage. The inevitable result is bitterness, which will replace hope as they slowly discover just how bankrupt their mating strategies were, and how little prepared they are for the future.
It is then that guys like you and I become identifiable as their enemies. They see us approach them at bars or parties with smiles and giddiness and it enrages them. In their mind, we are the cause of their problems. Were they ever to admit the truth to themselves, they would see that it is they, and not men, who are to blame for their suffering.
This bitterness and anger acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. These women, through a radioactive outlook and disposition, can be certain of never finding anyone (with the exception of those men who desire dominatrixes).
It almost appears that they could bear the suspense no longer of whether or not they’d ever get married so they adopted constant irascibility as a means to sabotage any chances of finding a man in the future. Their spiteful dispositions ensured that only men without consciences, like Evil Chuck, will put up with their demeanor and that will be for only a short period of time–until he blocks their email addresses and stops answering the phone.
Unfortunately, this is where you and I come in. We are not the type of guys that college cheerleaders start bidding wars over. Therefore, we must deal with older women the best that we can. It’s a strange business to be certain.
My recommendation is that you avoid feeling sorry for the predicament these women have willfully gotten themselves into. There’s no reason to act like Woodrow Wilson. You have to look out for yourself. After all, this isn’t The Lord of the Rings. You’re not the King of Rohan. You do not need to commit the supreme sacrifice for those around you. Your debt and responsibility to the women you’ve just met is nil.
Plainly, we, as individuals, can change very little about the universe. Enjoying older women is perfectly acceptable if one refrains from lying to them.
Usually being honest is pretty easy to do as discussions of long-term commitments don’t occur over the course of the first few dates (hopefully!), and most of these older women have sex within the first month of dating anyway. All that might come up is your ideas about marriage, and, if you’re like me, and receptive to marriage saying, “I’d like to get married one day” should put their minds at ease. In addition to putting their minds at ease, you have also not been guilty of fabrication.
Of course you might conveniently leave out that you’d never marry a woman ten years your senior, but, the fact is, they’ll never ask about this. Not telling a recent associate you’re complete life story is not a lie.
Is this angle too Machiavellian or legalistic? No, I really don’t think so. We all know that they’re not telling you everything up front so what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Women often conveniently leave out that they want nothing to do with step-children, want nothing to do with their man’s last name, and that they expect husbands to take them on ridiculously expensive vacations, and also to pay off all of their debts. So it’s perfectly acceptable for you to omit information as well.
By the standards of this world, telling the truth alone is a noble act. You’re not at a Senate hearing to become the new Secretary of State. You are under no obligation to fully disclose everything. You’re on a date, not committing to a decade of psychotherapy. Treat these women like the acquaintances they are because that’s the way they’ll treat you. Tit for tat. It’s not the Peace Corps.
You should never feel guilty about all of this. If you tried to set them straight they’d never listen to you anyway. You’re “the other,” in the terminology of the political operatives who pass themselves off as scholars today. The views of a man are automatically suspect.
Older women are free to make horrendous decisions regarding their futures in feminist societies and there is nothing that you or I can do about it. Remember, in our state, they are the chosen ones. Academics have written entire treatises and launched dastardly careers with the presupposition that women have a superior way of knowing.
The law discriminates in their favor through hiring policies and in just about everything else one can think of from signing up for the draft, to sexual harassment offenses, and child custody. The law and the media depict women as being more functional than men so who are we to dispute it? If they want to complain and cry themselves into retirement let them. It’s their prerogative and right.
Every legislator in this country, along with those in Canada, England, Germany, France, Australia, and New Zealand hold that men are in no way superior to women. No one’s going to listen to your counter-arguments. Time to move on; save yourself. Let these women be victimized by their own over-confidence.
To be continued.
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Bernard Chapin is a writer in Chicago.
