Are you in a relationship in which you routinely think or say, “Something’s not right here, but I’m not sure what it is"? Have you resorted to asking the other person, “Who the hell do you think you are?" after being treated like dirt and ignored by them? Are you always the giver and the other person is the receiver? Does it seem that no matter what you say or how hard you try to please them, somehow you are never able to do so? Does the other person treat you even worse if you go out of your way to please them? Does he/she routinely say and do outrageous things in public that embarrass you and shock those around you? Does he/she take advantage of you, cost you large amounts of time, energy, and money, and eventually result in you questioning your own sanity? If so, you need to know that you are not alone. You are simply involved with a narcissist.
The good news is that now you know what the real problem is. The bad news is that it probably took you far too long to finally determine that the other person may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If the above situations seem familiar you owe it to yourself to read this entire piece.
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, but I have done a considerable amount of NPD research online. The Internet offers a wealth of information on a variety of mental health issues, including personality disorders.
Note: If you are currently involved with someone who has NPD you may need professional help in coping with the accumulated psychological, verbal, and emotional abuse you have endured. It is not unusual for the victims of those with narcissistic personalities (NPs) to seek treatment, while the NPs themselves rarely do so.
I have learned much about narcissists and their behavior, but the most useful information came from other experienced laymen, not mental health professionals.
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/
Joanna M. Ashmun’s NPD website is one of the best. If you are involved with an NP you need to spend some quality time reading her website. Here’s an extract from it that compares infants to adult narcissists:
“Now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it’s possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies, but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time." [Emphasis mine.]
Sound familiar? If so, read on.
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html
Her website also lists 27 traits of a narcissist. These are very useful in attempting to diagnose a person who may have NPD. Highly recommended reading.
The following summarizes what I have learned about narcissists. These items appear in no particular order, they have been gleaned from a multitude of online sources, and they are not all-inclusive.
NPs rarely seek treatment and when they do it is normally only after a crisis, typically following the death of a spouse or parent. The vast majority of NPs are never diagnosed or treated by a mental health professional, but they all wreak havoc on the other people in their lives, who eventually abandon them due to shabby treatment.
NPs treat their therapist as they do everyone else, like dirt. For this reason NPs are not held in high regard by therapists and they are often avoided.
NPs normally terminate treatment as soon as their narcissistic defenses are restored to their pre-crisis stage. The NP issue itself is normally never treated, even if diagnosed.
It is not unusual for the person attempting to live with an NP to seek therapy, due to many years of accumulated verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse from the NP.
NPs are very good at getting what they want, when they want it. They can be extremely friendly when they are after something or when they fear someone.
The better you treat an NP, the worse they will treat you. They are unable to develop close, lasting relationships. This in turn makes for very stormy relationships.
NPs fear abandonment, which results in behavior that ensures that they do the abandoning, to avoid being abandoned themselves, which would inflict great narcissistic injury. This defense mechanism enables the NP to avoid the issues relating to their low self-esteem.
NPs do not share. This would require intimacy, which is not allowed by the NP, for fear of abandonment. The end result is that NPs cannot love and they are doomed to a series of romantic relationships that ultimately end in failure and abandonment.
NPs are unable to empathize, which results in behavior that is totally outrageous to others. Because of this NPs are perceived as cruel, heartless, and unfeeling by those closest to them. The NP cannot understand the concerns expressed by others regarding their own behavior. This condition is perceived by others as the “in one ear and out the other" syndrome.
NPs live by their own rules, but they expect everyone else to comply with all established rules and regulations. This double standard enables them to do as they please.
NPs deem themselves superior to everyone else; if not god-like, they are at least superhuman.
NPs display a strong sense of entitlement. They demand special treatment and think nothing whatsoever of making unreasonable demands, cutting into line, asking for special favors, etc. Their expectation of special treatment often enrages others.
NPs do not see their own children as separate people. They are perceived as mere extensions of themselves.
NPs do not see other people as living, feeling, human beings with emotions, needs, wants, and desires. They are generally seen as mere sources of supply for the NP’s never-ending demands.
NPs are extremely shortsighted. They are unconcerned for the future and live on a day-to-day basis throughout their lives.
NPs display a very well developed ability to find willing sources of supply for their ceaseless demands. This behavior extends to all areas of their lives for this is their basic lifestyle. NPs use, abuse, and then abandon others throughout their lives.
NPs are pathological liars. They make up their own rules as they go along. NPs will dispute proven facts. They remember what they want to remember and they see what they want to see. They will deny saying something that they just uttered.
NPs do not think like normal people. This results in decisions and behavior that confuses and enrages others. Over the long term this results in others doubting their own senses, judgment, and sanity.
NPs just get worse over time.
High functioning NPs are often seen as bright, cheerful, caring individuals in public, but the private experiences of their closest friends and relatives are just the opposite.
NPs live their lives on a stage, attempting to project an image of the person that they would like to be, all the while keeping their true inner selves locked away inside.
NPs are secretive. They do not share the details of their lives. They do not express their hopes, dreams, plans, etc. They perceive their real lives as unimportant and cannot imagine that others might be interested in the details of their dull existence.
NPs must always be the center of attention. They require excessive admiration.
NPs are basically passive, but they are hostile and ferocious when attacked in any way.
NPs tend to associate only with the best. They like to bask in the glow of the greatness of others. This gives them an elevated sense of position and status. They firmly believe that they are special and demand to be treated that way.
The normal progression of a relationship with an NP is: infatuation, disillusionment, toleration, contempt, and abandonment. This sequence is most confusing to the victim who cannot understand their rapid fall from grace, for no apparent reason.
NPs are masters of using projected guilt to get what they want from others.
The NP’s victims always sense that “something is not right" with their relationship, but they are unable to improve it, due to sabotage and the impossible demands of the NP.
NPs always deny any responsibility. Everything is always someone else’s fault. They are not responsible. Their attitude makes them very irresponsible and they deem themselves unaccountable for their own actions.
Living with an NP can best be described as Hell on Earth.
After much research, I came across the following definition of NPD, also by a layperson, Denny Dickinson. It is by far the best that I have found.
“A narcissist is a person who sees what they want to see, they hear what they want to hear, and they do what they want to do. They do all these things with a total disregard for any other person’s wants, needs, or desires. They skew their moral values to fit their personal needs. They make their own rules and then expect people to live by them. They use deception to control the feelings of the people who love them. They use abuse (verbal and emotional) to control and dominate the very people who adore them. They have no heart. They have no feelings. They have no moral conscience." [Emphasis mine.]
Sound familiar? If so, read on.
http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/narcissisticpd.htm
DSM-IV lists nine traits of people with NPD:
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes"
Sound familiar? If so, read on.
A reader writes, “I had her pegged a year ago, I just didn’t know what to call it. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was, but I’m much smarter now. When I threw in her belief statements the picture finally became very clear to me -- after 17 years.
1. If I can’t have what I want, when I want it, I don’t want it. Why else live?
2. I don’t share.
3. I could never support myself, I will never work, that’s what men are for.
4. I don’t care what other people think.
5. There are only two kinds of people in the world: doers and getters."
If you ever find yourself in a relationship with someone who has NPD get out as fast as you possibly can and never look back.
Joanna Ashmun says it all: “Adult narcissists are like vampires:
they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse
you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time."
